What If You Don’t Find Yourself? You Become Her.
“I don’t know who I am.”
I hear it all the time. In the therapy room, over coffee, in the quiet exhaustion of a mother who’s lost herself in the needs of everyone else.
There’s this myth—pervasive, persistent—that identity is a thing we’ve lost. Like keys we misplace. Or a childhood toy gathering dust in the attic.
We say we need to “find ourselves,” as if the self is buried beneath a pile of rubble, waiting to be unearthed.
But the truth? You don’t find yourself. You become her.
The Self Isn’t a Puzzle Piece. It’s a Process.
Interpersonal neurobiology teaches us that the mind is not isolated inside the skull—it is shaped by our relationships, our experiences, our sense of connection. The brain is constantly wiring and rewiring in response to what we pay attention to, what we remember, what we believe, and how we attach.
You are not a fixed object.
You are a living system—plastic, dynamic, and growing.
When you strive toward your values, when you make choices that reflect who you want to be rather than who you fear you are, your neural pathways shift. This is not just poetic—it’s physiological.
Your identity emerges through action.
Through reflection.
Through the vulnerable work of being in relationship with others and with your own inner world.
Identity Under Pressure
In the face of adversity, your character is revealed—but also formed.
We don’t become ourselves in comfort. We become ourselves in the messy, uncertain places where we must choose between fear and integrity.
And even when we fail—even when we fall short—the very act of aiming shapes us.
Neuroscience affirms this: our brains are experience-dependent organs. What we practice—emotionally, behaviorally, relationally—becomes who we are.
So when you practice courage, even trembling…
When you speak truth, even awkwardly…
When you move toward healing, even slowly…
You are becoming.
Why Women Struggle to Feel “Known”
For many women, identity feels slippery.
We are praised for how well we serve, support, soothe. We are expected to adapt ourselves to the needs of others—partners, children, workplaces, communities.
But here’s the problem: When your sense of self is built on the shifting sands of other people’s expectations, your identity can feel like it's constantly at risk.
Interpersonal neurobiology reminds us that attunement and connection are essential to the development of a healthy self.
But they are not the entire self.
Being known is powerful. But knowing yourself—outside the gaze of others—is transformative.
Anchor Yourself in Values
One of the most powerful tools we have for identity formation is a sense of personal values—not goals, not roles, but guiding principles. These are your internal coordinates, your North Star.
Values offer direction even when your circumstances change.
Even when relationships shift.
Even when you’re tired of adapting.
This is not bypassing. This is not pretending that trauma or exhaustion don’t matter.
This is about remembering that even in the aftermath, even in the ambiguity, you still get to choose what matters most.
How Therapy Helps You Become
Therapy, when it’s done well, isn’t about labeling you or “fixing” you. It’s a space for emergence. For integration.
In the language of interpersonal neurobiology, it’s a space where we hold both differentiation (the uniqueness of your parts and experiences) and linkage (how they connect into a coherent whole).
In other words: It’s where you learn to belong to yourself.
If you’ve been feeling foggy, like you’re living someone else’s life…
If you’ve been waiting to “find yourself”…
Maybe this is the season to become.
If you're longing for that kind of space—to explore, to clarify, to heal—I’d be honored to walk with you. I believe in emergence. I believe in the sacred work of becoming. And I believe that with the right support, you’ll discover that your self isn’t lost—it’s unfolding.
