When Home Isn’t Safe: Naming Covert Sexual Abuse in Families
Some topics feel like a punch in the gut. This is one of them.
But silence is its own kind of violence, and I want to talk today about a form of sexual harm that hides in plain sight—inside homes, inside family jokes, inside comments that are passed off as “just being honest” or “just messing around.”
This post is for daughters who always felt a little uneasy, even if they didn’t have the words for it.
It’s also for mothers—especially the ones who never had anyone protect them, never realized they deserved to feel safe in their own homes, and who are now trying to raise daughters in a culture that sexualizes girls at every turn.
We can’t change what we don’t name.
1. What We Mean When We Say “Covert Sexual Abuse”
When we think of sexual abuse, most of us picture something violent, overt, or criminal. But there’s a quieter kind—harder to name, easier to minimize—that’s just as real and just as damaging.
Sometimes it’s called covert incest, sexualized emotional enmeshment, or ambient incest. I prefer to call it what it is: sexual boundary violations within families that are chronic, normalized, and deeply disorienting.
It might look like this:
A father “jokingly” snapping his daughter’s bra strap.
A stepdad making comments about a girl’s changing body.
A brother tracking what and how much his sister eats, commenting on her weight.
A male relative who always needs a hug, always lingers too long.
A dad who talks openly about how “hot” other women are, especially girls the same age as his daughter.
Being told to “go put on more clothes” because your presence is “distracting.”
Being teased, sexualized, or policed—all under the guise of love or concern.
The message is clear: you exist as something to be observed and evaluated, even at home. And if your body draws attention, the responsibility is somehow yours.
This kind of environment trains girls to believe that male attention is inevitable, and their job is to manage it, tolerate it, or avoid provoking it.
It also teaches boys that domination begins at home. That their sisters are objects, practice grounds for their commentary, their power, their entitlement.
2. Why It Matters
Environments like this don’t just damage a girl's sense of safety—they fracture her sense of self.
Many women I work with didn’t recognize their homes as unsafe. They’ll say, “I was never abused,” and then go on to describe years of being ogled, critiqued, teased, or touched in ways that made them shrink inside.
They carry this into adulthood—this feeling that they must always be watchful. That their bodies are public property. That even rest, even home, isn’t safe.
They often:
Struggle with boundaries in relationships.
Feel over-responsible for men's reactions and emotions.
Experience shame around their own sexuality or physical appearance.
Feel both drawn to and repulsed by male attention.
Have trouble trusting their gut when something feels off.
And the boys in these homes? They learn that they can get away with making girls uncomfortable if they call it a “joke.” They learn that masculinity is about entitlement, and that a woman’s no doesn’t really mean no—because they’ve never had to respect their sister’s boundaries in the first place.
3. What a Safe Home Should Feel Like
A safe home is not a place where girls learn to perform modesty to avoid being objectified.
It’s a place where they can run through the house in pajamas without being told to cover up.
A place where no one watches their body with scrutiny.
A place where no one makes them feel ashamed for growing up.
In a safe home:
Parents protect, they don’t sexualize.
Siblings tease, sure—but not in ways that degrade or objectify.
Girls can eat freely, rest freely, dress freely.
No one treats their body as a battleground or a spectacle.
A safe home is where a girl’s body is her own—and she knows it.
4. What You Can Do If This Resonates
If you’re reading this and your stomach is tight, your chest heavy—you’re not alone.
Maybe this was your childhood. Maybe it’s something you’re seeing now in your home. Maybe it’s something your daughter is trying to tell you, in quiet ways, and you’re finally ready to hear it.
Here are a few next steps:
Reflect: Ask yourself if there were moments growing up when you felt exposed, watched, or sexualized. Did you feel like you had to be on guard even in your own house?
Talk to your daughter: Create space. Ask if anything at home makes her feel uncomfortable or watched. Believe her. Don’t minimize it.
Talk to your son: Teach him early and often that women’s bodies are not for his commentary or critique—and that his sister is not an exception.
Get support: Therapy is a place to unravel this. To look at how these patterns shaped your beliefs about your body, your worth, your relationships.
Learn more: Some helpful resources:
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk (for understanding trauma’s imprint)
Silently Seduced by Kenneth Adams (on covert incest)
Dr. Thema Bryant’s podcast Homecoming
Therapist account: @the.holistic.psychologist and @nedratawwab on Instagram (for boundaries and self-trust)
And above all—don’t keep this buried. If this happened to you, your healing matters. And if it’s happening in your home, it’s not too late to change it.
